The Pope, Jesus’ Birthday, Snake Handling & Possibly Hell

I’ve given much thought lately to the aspects and different perspectives of religion, especially during the Christmas Holiday Season; which was made possible by the Sweet Baby Jesus coming down to us lowly ones on this planet Earth some 2,000 years ago. Ever since that occurrence, the Lord’s Birthday has gained ever increasing popularity; so much so that the event is now celebrated as much by non-believers as it is by the fervent faithful. Through the course of my reflection, I have come to the conclusion that:

  • It’s all B.S., and none of it’s true
  • It’s maybe at least partially true, and to possibly try to make an effort at being a decent human being

To be fair, I’m not going to get too far into the political misgivings of any denomination or “Official” church (the exception being the Latin Church). I’m also not going to pretend to try and mix medicine and doctrinal fiction to explain away the process of insemination, by an overly excited Holy Spirit or Incubus- whichever one happened to be in the neighborhood… joseph and marybut by which ever event or events transpired, Jesus just happened to develop in the otherwise virginal womb of Miss Mary.

With that said, “He is the Reason” for the Season, and by proxy- the reason for the miraculous mark down sales on December 26th (If you need lights, paper, bows… Nativity Sets- THIS is your black Friday), and for all of that, I give thanks. However, with all the gift giving and good tidings and cheer and what not, we mustn’t forget all the poor unfortunates who have been damned to Hell since the Old Testament went the way of the Dodo Bird since that night in Bethlehem. As a matter of fact, a lot of crap has come down the pike since the Savior’s arrival, and not all of it good.

Today, on December 8, for the 30?-th time since the early 14th century, Pope Francis declared the coming year one of forgiveness, and mercy, the “Jubilee Year”.pope and door He opened some gates up at St. Peter’s Church, which I suppose are normally bricked up and beyond the reach of any prayer warrior, Catholic or not, and hence- the full and standing room only occupancy rates normally found in Lucifer’s unholy city. So, in light of the alternative, I EMBRACED the notion, and think it’s a great idea! Whether you are a believer or not, and by the way, I am going to write Benedict a letter asking if a Non-Catholic could possibly be included in this wave of forgiveness of one’s transgressions. Hell, while I’m at it, I might as well go ahead and see if all of us NON-Believers in general could be included.

I’ll go on record at this point as saying that I was and STILL AM a fan of Pope John Paul II, Ronald Reagan, and whoever else got shot- and still went back to work after the fact. That takes courage and faith, something that I rarely see these days in tandem.

I’ll also use this as an opportunity to say that- if the Pope has it right, and really… snake handlerswhy shouldn’t he have it right; then those snake handling Pentecostals in the mountains of West Virginia are trying WAY too hard, when evidently, it takes next to nothing to get into Heaven.

From what I can tell, to be a non-believer is even sinful as far as the Radical Muslims are concerned- possibly BEYOND sinful. It is my understanding that ISIS will behead you quicker than it takes a 3 year old to unwrap presents on Christmas morning if you are non-believer, … at that point, you are beyond the status of “infidel”, and reside firmly in the Off-With-Your-Head department, and no amount of bellyaching and/or crying over your spilled milk will change that… No- you are going to DIE and since you have no belief system, why should you care? Well, seriously, should you? I’m not sure, and I really am in no hurry to find out.

But, back to Benedict, … or Francis. I think that he is onto something here. Why not open this up to non-Catholics? From the viewpoint of The Holy Church, this would be an extraordinarily good marketing tool. Let’s face it, in spite of their outrageously long heritage, most of it spent in a nearly good light, The Church and its administrators have fallen on some bad times these last 15-20 years. In fact, the Inquisition not-withstanding, Rome hasn’t enjoyed any kind of winning season since the release of The Exorcist! It would seem to this skeptic-at-large that a kind of homecoming is in order, and what better way to gain a new generation of the faithful following that a guaran-f’ing-tee of eternal life/forgiveness?

I personally, would at least consider attending a Saturday night or late Sunday morning Mass once or twice in the next year or so if he un-bricked that gate and announced that Mr.  & Mr. Unbeliever Smith were reserved a seat on that glory bound train! I mean, make no mistake, this is all so firmly tongue in cheek that I am bordering on,… yeah, it’s sacrilege. But- I might try the Eucharist,… hell, maybe it really is decent wine and bread. If so, that’s only an added bonus.

Anyway, what’s my point? F*ck… I forgot. Oh yeah- Indulgences. Hey Francis, give me a whole handful of indulgences, just like the girl at the drive-thru at Wendy’s does when I ask for a whole handful of ketchups! Hey Pope, since you’re the “uber descedent”of Mr. Christ, buy some presents for those who can least afford them, and who might appreciate them the most. Forget those losers who ALREADY go to Church every Christmas and Easter, and get something for the real out and out un-abashed sinner! Give me something to write home about Francis, or Benedict, or whatever you’ve changed your name to. How about just Paul the 1000th? What’s so wrong with following a good lead, and going with Paul? If I’m ever Pope, I’m sticking with Paul. Not Benedict, or Francis, or any of them. I’m going with just being Paul… or maybe even just “Jesus”. That would be refreshing, if the next Pope was “Pope Jesus”. I might at least say that is a nod in the correct direction.

So, to sum up:

  • Let’s go ahead and pressure these Catholics to offer this absolution crap to everyone. I personally think that this is a great idea, and even if it would require another Council to add a Chapter to which-ever Book in the Bible, I certainly think that it should be considered- before they brick that gate back up
  • Take up a collection for the poor, and then GIVE it to a poor person
  • Declare Sunday, or Saturday for my 7th Day Adventist friends (If God intends for it to be a day of rest), a day of rest, and call off work, Church, and anything to with stuff that doesn’t involve sleeping on the couch
  • Give an award to whomever invented that Christmas Tree “condom” a year or two ago- it works very well for keeping all of the extra brittle needles bundled up as you cart your X-Mas tree to the dump

In the meantime, I’m going to save my indulgences, every penny, so that I can get my granddaughter something to celebrate His majesty’s birthday. swiss guard at holy doorAnd then, so that she doesn’t grow up and claim that I never did anything for her, I can show this humble offering as proof to her- and to the generations that shall come after her- that I did petition the Church in Rome for forgiveness from their sins, and an EASY pathway into the Lord’s Paradise.

Also, I will keep it simple, and if I’m EVER elected by the Cardinals, in an effort at transparency and historical accuracy- will simply be “Pope Jesus”, or possibly, “Pope Paul”.

If I relent and go the human route, calling myself “Pope Jon”...  Well, sue me. I’m the F’ing Pope, and you’re going to Hell unless I decide to come outside and say-so differently!